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Amy Roberts: More unsolicited parenting tips

Amy Roberts, Park Record columnist

My sister is six weeks away from delivering the first (and likely the only) grandchild in my family. Her baby shower was this weekend, which meant I found myself on a plane heading to Omaha bright and early on Saturday morning.

Spending time with my family is always entertaining, but after three straight days of it, I found myself longing for the simple things I take for granted in Park City. The peacefulness you find in a crisp, fall-morning hike. The kind where your thoughts are only interrupted by the crunch of red and orange leaves littering the trail. Where the furthest thing from your mind is a blaring cell phone, back-to-back activities and family commotion. Sadly, there are no alpine hikes in Omaha. So there’s really no way to escape the madness.

For a few days, I just endured the endless parade of cousins, aunts, uncles, childhood friends, people I haven’t seen in two decades yet am allegedly related to, and of course my immediate family, as we all gathered to celebrate and shower Michele with tiny, pink "Oh that’s darling" presents.

At the baby shower, everyone who attended was asked to write down a piece of advice for her. Most notecards were filled with rather uninspiring words of wisdom. "Cherish every moment, it goes so fast." Or, "Enjoy them while they’re little, before you know it, you won’t be able to hold them anymore." And my favorite one: "Don’t worry, everyone struggles with potty training." As I read these, it seemed to me most people were under the assumption Michele was getting a puppy and not birthing a person.

Considering I was one of the few childless people attending, I knew that made me the expert. After all, those without kids make the best parents. So my advice note went something like this: "No matter what you do, your daughter will probably end up in therapy. Don’t take it personally."

My sister tried for years to have a kid. She’s taken out loans, she’s put needles the size of turkey basters filled with hormones into her stomach, she’s slept with her legs in the air, visited with a psychic, rubbed ancient oils on her wrists, and perhaps the biggest sacrifice of all, she gave up coffee. So when she finally peed on that little stick and got the result she was hoping for, she celebrated and never looked back. In doing so, she kind of forgot to prepare for the whole "you’re about to have a tiny roommate dictating your every decision for the next 18 years" thing.

My sister is adorably delusional. She honestly has no clue what is about to happen to her life. How can I prove this? For starters, she’s about to have a child and she still has white carpet.

Given this, I decided a few additional notes of wisdom are in order. She needs all the help she can get.

1. Despite what that one advice card from your coworker said, you do not need a two-week course, guidebooks and $200 worth of specialized appliances to feed your kid. Get a fork, smash a banana and feed it to your baby.

2. Nothing will be more embarrassing or humbling than the moment you realize Mom was right.

3. The first 40 years of your child’s life are the hardest.

4. At some point, you will hide in a closet and eat a doughnut simply because you don’t want to share it.

5. When the little one gives you a headache, reach for a bottle of aspirin and do exactly what it says: Take two of these and keep away from children.

And, I suppose, when all else fails remember this: At times motherhood is probably a lot like one of our family gatherings. Chaotic, messy, loud and something to be tolerated. And always made a bit easier with wine.

Amy Roberts is a longtime Park City resident, freelance writer and the proud owner of two ill-behaved rescue dogs, Boston and Stanley.

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