Wednesday, in what was surely the most straightforward, surefire judicial confirmation gimme in the history of this pretty great state, the eminently qualified, and most widely respected judge in the Third District, Robert Hilder, was blindsided by a cadre of Republican senators who, for the first time, employed a radical confirmation process aptly named "Neo-Con Shuffle" that purports to measure the comport and reactions of a candidate while lies and rotten vegetables are lobbed at them, and then, ultimately makes use of a standard black-plastic Magic Eight Ball to render the final decision.
Although Hilder reportedly scored fairly well during the vegetable melee, his performance appeared to wane during the blatant-lie phase of the program after a series of unexpected legumes were added to the assault, which left him bloodied and dazed. Additionally, it appears certain influential Republican senators were still recovering from various surgeries that may have left them uncomfortable during the confirmation process, leading to a surprising lapse of judgment, especially for Senator Buttars, widely known for his generally unassailable, highly intellectual methodology.
Buttars, who had only narrowly been returned to the legislature after the drinking water of West Jordan was reportedly laced with Versed, a powerful memory suppressant used during surgical procedures, led the assault. Buttars, as some may recall, sponsored a bill last year that would have eliminated the questionable theory of "evolution" from school curriculums and replace it with Buttars’ profoundly scientific "serpent and apple" theory. Rumor has it that Buttars was also in a foul mood after narrowly missing a nomination to People Magazine’s annual "World’s Top 20 Sexiest Men" and intimating that George Clooney used payola to secure what should have rightly been Buttars’ spot.
Some who viewed the confirmation reported that trouble for the nominee began early, when Buttars misplaced his copy of "How To Confirm Judges for Idiots," and was forced to rely instead on two alternate texts: a dog-eared copy of Stalin’s "Recipes For Character Assassination," and Pol Pot’s erudite "The Pocket Guide To Easy Justice: Click, Click, Bang!" a book that some regard as suffering from poor translation.
Additionally, Buttars seemed somewhat rushed when he erroneously believed that a "lynch mob" was waiting outside, after Buttars called the confirmation a "black-robed baby" with a "dark, ugly demeanor." Ultimately however, Buttars successfully swayed his glassy-eyed Republican minions to join him in voting down the candidate, after changing out of a suit to a toga and grape-leaf yarmulke, and quoting from Foucault’s "Power and Truth Reader’s Digest Edition."
Senator Hillyard followed, although his demeanor may have been altered by a recent surgery where his spine was completely removed and replaced with a gelatinous flexible prosthesis. Hillyard alternated between painting the candidate as an enemy of the union of Church and State, and "a parishioner who is sometimes late for church on Sunday."
"If a person is late to church, we have no guarantee that he’ll be timely to court," stated Hillyard. The senator then wandered off into the parking lot where he just avoided being clipped by an errant, and quite silent, battery-powered golf cart.
Not to be outdone, Senator Waddoups launched into invective suggesting he was uncomfortable with Hilder’s "aggressive defensive demeanor" during the hearing, which he later explained by saying: "We are testing these nominees to see if they can sit still during the castra-a-tion process, I mean, uh, confirmation process. The real test here is to see if they can retain a perfectly docile demeanor while they are drilled repeatedly with blatant lies about their character and actions in specific cases using personal memories rather than employing the actual transcripts from the cases, and frankly, he was a bit too defensive for our tastes."
Waddoups also chastised Hilder for his decision in a case where, based on a "Six Degrees of Separation" theory of causation, he was shown to be responsible for global warming, political instability in sub-Saharan Africa, and the failure of pandas to successfully mate in captivity, although zookeepers from the Hogle Zoo later disputed the panda problem.
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Summit County Attorney Margaret Olson has decried what she called a lenient sentence in a child sex abuse case in which a 20-year-old reportedly attempted to impregnate a 12-year-old. The perpetrator was sentenced to 20 days in jail and 10 years of probation.