Guest Editorial, September 30, 2009
September 30, 2009
Circa 2019: In a resounding resurgence of conservatism in America, the Republican-controlled Congress, bolstered by the new right-wing administration, has finally wrested all government control away from the masses.
In a statement from Blue Cross Blue Shield, the CEO was quoted as congratulating Congress for its bravery, and wondering aloud if Congress was really needed at all in this new America. As a side note, he announced the cancellation of the health insurance of all members of the House of Representatives, saying that they tended to be type A, corpulent alcoholics, and very high risk
After a corporate merger between Wackenhut and Blackwater, they have taken over all law-enforcement functions in most American cities. Soon after the announcement, their stock value soared by 214%.
Your intrepid reporter visited their emergency dispatch headquarters in West Palm Beach, Florida, to see how the transformation was going. I was allowed to monitor some incoming calls.
911 Operator: Hello, this is Wackenblack, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Yes, three men just broke into my house, shot my husband, and stole all of our jewelry.
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911 Operator: Yes, Ma’am, and how will you be paying for Wackenblack’s assistance in this matter?
Caller: What? Didn’t you hear me, my husband’s been shot. He’s bleeding all over the living-room floor.
911 Operator: Yes, Ma’am, so would you like a carpet-cleaning service to respond along with the Wackenblack patrol? And how will you be paying for that service. We take all major credit cards.
Caller: This is crazy; just get me some help here.
911 Operator: Ma’am, weren’t you able to engage the robbers with your standard household assault rifle?
Caller: No, I don’t have an assault rifle. Please, my husband is bleeding badly.
911 Operator: Yes, Ma’am. You’re in luck, because Wackenblack subsidiaries are having a one time only sale of M-16, rifles that we obtained after the military was disbanded. You can purchase up to three fully automatic rifles for only $1,200 each. And again, we take all major credit cards.
Caller: Oh my God, I think my husband is dead. He’s not breathing.
911 Operator: Yes, Ma’am, I’m transferring you to Wackenblack mortuaries, so please hold the line. And have a nice day.
Before leaving Wackenblack headquarters I was able to purchase an M-16 rifle, only slightly used, with a really cool bayonet, for only $900.
Screw socialism, I’m going alligator hunting in the Marriot Corporation Everglades Park.
Kenny Levine is a retired detective sergeant from the Miami-Dade Police Department who moved to Park City to enjoy retirement as a ski bum. Kenny and his wife volunteer at the Park City Mountain Resort in winter and work part time at the Park City Municipal Golf Course in the summer.