More Dogs on Main Street | ParkRecord.com

More Dogs on Main Street

Tom Clyde, Record columnist

Here is an urgent news flash from the Internet: According to the ancient Bible Code, a doomsday comet is going to smack Utah in the morning hours on March 1.

Pastor Harry Walther has deciphered the hidden code matrix in the Bible, and the evidence is irrefutable that a "doomsday comet" is headed our way "IMPACT DAYLIGHT IN THE MORNING" on March 1, 2010. The code reveals that a "FRAGMENT (12 times) and its possible a Comet could break apart and a large FRAGMENT streaks on a collision course with UTAH, USA." Pastor Walther has some difficulty with punctuation and syntax, but I think you get the picture.

He is quite specific that the comet will hit Utah. His posting on the website satansrapture.com states: "ONE FACT IS CLEAR::: if UTAH, especially Salt Lake City area is hit by Comet Impact this state will be vaporized and over 20 million people will be killed. The muslim world will view this as a ‘SIGN FROM ALLAH’ to attack ISRAEL — which will trigger the Biblical Apocalypse." Crap, and I just washed the car.

When I first heard the news, I thought I might be able to miss the festivities by taking a quick road trip. But Rev. Walther says the comet will take out 20 million people. It looks like it could be hard to avoid with a weekend trip to St. George. Of course there aren’t 20 million people in Utah, not even during Sundance. To take out 20 million, he’s looking at pretty much the entire Mountain Time Zone, plus Nevada. If you’re sitting on some discount coupons for ski passes, you’d best use them up.

Rev. Harry believes that the crisis is avoidable, and has alerted NASA so they can use their DEEP IMPACT technology to shatter or redirect the comet to avoid the cataclysm. But NASA is apparently not responding to his warnings. I have a nephew who works for a NASA contractor and has inside contacts at pretty high levels. His report was that NASA was not tracking any doomsday comet, which would be pretty visible if impact is only a week away. Officially, NASA has no preplanned response protocol for the rapture at this time.

So we’re on our own. Perhaps if we all stand outside in our driveways at sunrise on March 1, and hold cookie sheets up to reflect the sunlight toward the comet, it just might do the trick. Or not.

Recommended Stories For You

In a typical failure of leadership, the Utah Legislature has not addressed the imminent comet threat. You’d think they would at least pass a strongly worded non-binding resolution in opposition. The Legislature is officially at war with the Federal guvmint, and unlikely to be calling on the Feds for help in averting the cataclysm.

I’m not sure what the point of it is, but this year the legislature has been very busy on bills intended to tell the Feds where to put it. There is a bill to kill federally protected wolves. There is a bill to take Utah off daylight savings time. The sponsor on that one said he has no objection to daylight savings time, except that the Feds forced it on us. It died in committee. There is a bill to exempt any gun manufactured in Utah from federal gun regulations, including background checks to avoid arming known criminals and the insane. That one is sailing through with almost unanimous support. We can all take pride when some homegrown psycho shoots up Walmart with a locally manufactured assault weapon.

Actually, there are some members of the legislature who are looking at the comet catastrophe as a solution to the state’s budget problems. Tax revenue is way off because of the recession, and there are no easy cuts left in the budget. Wacky as the Utah legislators are, they are a thrifty bunch, and state government went into the recession pretty lean to begin with. So there isn’t much left to cut without really affecting services.

Compared to the alternatives, getting obliterated by a comet is beginning to look pretty good. Some of the budget proposals are just nuts. Sen. Chris Buttars has proposed eliminating the 12th grade from public schools because we already done learned them kids all there is to learn by the 11th grade. The idea gained some traction until they realized that there wouldn’t be any seniors left on the football team.

My sister-in-law, who taught junior high kids for years, said she thinks eliminating the 9th grade would be a better place to save. Nobody can stand to be around 9th graders. Skipping them ahead from 8th to 10th would save parents and teachers a lot of grief, and even the kids would be happy about skipping a difficult year.

Anyway, make the most of this next week, and stand by for impact.

Tom Clyde served as Park City attorney in the 1980s and is the author of "More Dogs On Main Street." He has been a columnist at The Park Record for more than 20 years.