Amy Roberts: Sometimes, putting on blinders and going on a bender are decent coping mechanisms
Every once in a while, I watch the news or read an article online and think to myself: If there really are aliens watching us, right about now they are reporting back to their home galaxy to say they have not found any signs of intelligent life on this planet.
Lately, I’ve had this internal conversation with myself with alarming frequency.
While I have not watched the movie “Bird Box,” I can’t seem to open a web page without seeing a photo of Sandra Bullock rowing a boat blindfolded. I’ve seen enough memes to piece together the plot — a mysterious entity causes people to hallucinate, killing themselves and others, decimating the population. Anyone who sees this force will die, so the few survivors wear blindfolds in their attempts to escape. Or something like that.
At best, this sounds like a possible way to knock out two hours on a future international flight. Sci-fi thrillers are not typically my genre of choice, but the pop culture following does have me a bit curious. For others though, this Netflix blockbuster has become a bit of an intelligence buster. The movie’s popularity has spawned a “Bird Box” challenge, where people attempt daily life tasks while blindfold. But over the weekend, one Utah teen apparently thought it was called the “Bird Brain” challenge and attempted to drive while blindfolded. Unsurprisingly, she crashed into another vehicle before hitting a light pole.
In an interview after the accident, Layton Police Lt. Travis Lyman said, “Honestly I’m almost embarrassed to have to say, ‘Don’t drive with your eyes covered,’ but you know, apparently we do have to say that.”
Actually, the most shocking part of this story was learning that most Utah drivers aren’t blindfolded while cruising down I-80. Given all the tailgating, swerving, and hard braking, I just assumed they were. The whole thing does make me wonder if Allstate will use this situation as the plot for their next mayhem commercial. Either way, I think this teenage driver has just proven herself qualified to be Trump’s next chief of staff.
If this wasn’t enough to give the aliens pause, the article that immediately followed it boasted this headline: “Woman banned from Walmart after allegedly riding an electric cart while drinking wine from a Pringles can.”
So the good news is, I found my Halloween costume early this year. And even better, this incident didn’t happen in Utah. Or surprisingly Florida. Instead, Wichita Falls, Texas, earns the top spot for the most entertaining shopping excursion.
My favorite part of this story is that the Walmart employees reported the woman had been there since 6:30 a.m. but didn’t call police until 9 a.m. This means the battery in the electric shopping cart lasted at least two and a half hours. Your move, Tesla.
The next time I go wine tasting in Napa, you better believe I’m going to make a comment about the cabernet sauvignon being full bodied, with hints of black currant, black cherry, and tangy BBQ flavors.
Despite these news stories better fitted for The Onion than mainstream media, they are actually mild compared to news out of Washington. Namely that the FBI investigated whether or not the president of the United States was a Russian agent. This was actually of enough concern that federal law enforcement decided to look into the matter. It bears repeating — the FBI wondered if Trump was working for Putin. Wow.
All of a sudden, it makes sense that people prefer to go about life blindfolded and drunk.
“Even the dogs were celebrating the reemergence of the sun.”