Amy Roberts: Plan B = Scorched Earth | ParkRecord.com
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Amy Roberts: Plan B = Scorched Earth

Amy Roberts: Plan B = Scorched Earth

Park Record columnist Amy Roberts.

Last Sunday most of us wished someone, “Happy Mother’s Day.” Next year, we might be following the acknowledgment with, “whether you like it or not.”

As we’re all aware by now, a leaked draft opinion shows the Supreme Court is poised to overturn Roe v. Wade. There’s been no shortage of outrage, condemnation, and shock about the disclosure, with many concerned the breach will forever tarnish the court’s reputation and its ability to be a deliberative institution going forward. SCOTUS has a long tradition of preserving its silence and is known for taking all the right precautions to avoid accidents. That’s why it seems really unfair they made one little mistake and will now have to live with the consequences forever.

The irony doesn’t end there, not by a longshot the size of Texas, where lawmakers have enthusiastically considered the death penalty for women who have an abortion. The Lonestar state is so pro-life, they’ll kill you. While Texas is an extreme example, there are a number of conservative lawmakers in red states gleefully awaiting so-called “trigger laws” to snap into place the minute the Supreme Court gives the OK.



Never mind that these lawmakers are adamantly pro-gun, anti affordable healthcare, and actively spent the last two years willing to sacrifice grandma so that their constituents could eat at the Olive Garden. None of these people are pro-life. They’re pro controlling women and pro enforcing their myopic view about women and sex based on their personal interpretation of a fable written a couple thousand years ago. A fictional tale they believe should be law today, despite what the actual law of the land states — you know that pesky little clause about separation of church and state.

Most Christians believe life begins at conception — the very moment a sperm smashes into an egg. But they conveniently dismiss that the idea of when life begins varies greatly by faith. For those following Islam, a fetus is thought to become a living soul at 120 days. Many Jewish followers believe a fetus is not legally a person until it’s delivered. Some Hindus believe personhood begins at three months in the womb. The Navajo believe life begins the first time a baby laughs. For the radical right though, facts, logic, and other deeply held spiritual beliefs don’t matter. No amount of pointing out the hypocrisy or consequences or truth will ever convince them. I’ve always found it funny how god took the time to ban mixed fabrics and shrimp, but was totally mum on abortion. Weird.



If any conservative really wanted to decrease abortions, they’d demand comprehensive sex-education in schools, they’d ensure access to low-cost contraception, they’d fund programs to help domestic violence victims, and they’d pass legislation forbidding a rapist from seeking custody of a child conceived during a rape — something that is currently legal in a handful of states.

Alas, reason has gotten us nowhere. Facts, science, marching, pink hats, even voting — none of it has worked. It’s time for a Plan B.

Every American woman of childbearing age should just start popping out kids and giving them to the state. Reopen orphanages. Stress the foster care system. Overload the schools. Bankrupt the system. You think taking care of kids you don’t want isn’t a big deal Mr. Governor? Cool. Here is one million of them. Oh, and many are special needs, roughly 200,000 are gay, several are gluten free, and statistically, at least nine will murder you in your sleep to collect on your life insurance policy. Good luck!

Also, every pregnant woman should call in sick to work at least two days per week. She’s part of a protected class (for now), so employers will have to make do. The economy comes to a screeching halt, corporate America loses its mind, capitalism dies. Stretchmarks seem like a reasonable trade.

While we’re at it, let’s bring back teen pregnancy. Make it cool again. Force women to be mothers at 16 and sacrifice their education. Sure, in 10 years the only option will be doctors who have nothing more than their GED, but that seems to work for at least one Republican Congresswoman from Colorado, surely it’ll work for your oncology needs too.

And since we are now in a world where the minority voice of a few cult followers can form law, let’s create an official religion that determines life doesn’t begin at conception — it begins at erection. Men will just have to learn to be gentleman and control their urges.

This might not be the best plan, but I do like the idea of the Christian right having to live with the consequences of their actions. After all, isn’t that their shtick?


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