Guest editorial: Tax returns, text messages and other observations from the end of election season
November 10, 2018
About those taxes, Mr. President
Two words: Tax Returns. That's right, our Dear Leader is soon to be saddled with a House of Representatives led by Democrats following what some see as a repudiation of the president's persona and forked tongue. Among other things, that means that Great American lackeys Devin Nunes and Trey Goudy can no longer protect The Donald from inquiring minds. Can you say, checks and balances. The election also will make Nancy Pelosi the new Hillary Clinton, aka dastardly boogie woman of the left. (Lock her up. Lock her up.) The president already has warned the once and future Speaker of the House to watch it. If you investigate me, Trump barked, I'll investigate you right back. Pelosi must be shaking all the way down to her Air Jordans.
Goodbye Jeff the Jester, hello Matt the Mechanic
About 20 seconds after the midterm elections, President Trump fired Attorney General Jeff Sessions, that "dumb southerner," for recusing himself from the investigation by Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Not to worry, the Justice Department will be in good hands with a little-known Trump devotee from Iowa, Matthew Whitaker. Matt also will oversee the Mueller investigation into alleged back-scratching between the Trump campaign and the president's soul brother, Vladdy Putin. Not to worry, Matt has a plan to put an end to that witch hunt without firing the special counsel — just eliminate his budget. Great ideas come from the most unlikely places. It seems like just yesterday, Matt was executive director of the Foundation for Accountability and Civic Trust, an organization devoted to submarining Democrats with ethics complaints. Ah yes, nothing like a little civic trust.
Don't bogart that healthcare
Utah voters have taken the law into their own hands by voting to legalize medical marijuana and expand Medicaid — two things the Republican-dominated State Legislature refused to do because people in pain shouldn't get high on marijuana and Medicaid expansion is too expensive and poor folks don't need health care that much anyway. But before the great unwashed take a victory lap, they should know that Utah's lawmakers and the governor already have promised to mess with medical marijuana because, well, because it could inadvertently turn patients into Grateful Dead groupies. (Just keep on truckin', mama.) And now the state will have to make health care available to the poorest Utahns — yes, they are people, too — through Medicaid expansion under Obamacare. Yes, you heard right, Obamacare — that nasty legislation that Republicans say will turn us into communists and doom our children to potato farming.
Vote for me, I'm Mormon — not a Jew
Elder Tod Zenger, a candidate for Utah House District 36 in Millcreek, pulled out his Temple Recommend to let voters know that he is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. A Republican, Brother Zenger was attempting to unseat four-term incumbent Patrice Arent, a Democrat, who also just happens to be a Jew. In a flier, Brother Zenger proclaimed that he was the only candidate running in District 36 who believes in freedom of religion. Uh, right. When confronted by The Salt Lake Tribune, Elder Zenger said he was shocked, just shocked that people could take his statement as an unseemly swipe at his un-Christian opponent. Nonetheless, Arent won by a landslide, proving that not all the brothers and sisters will bear witness to false prophets. Well, no, Wilson, he's not exactly a prophet, that's just an expression of speech.
Excommunicated for voting Democrat?
The campaign for Utah's 4th Congressional District between incumbent Republican Mia Love and Democratic challenger Ben McAdams has been nasty. But the last development just before election day was more like … ha ha funny. A text message sent to would-be LDS voters, according to The Tribune, advised that they would not be excommunicated for voting for McAdams. We are not making this up. Although he's a Democrat, McAdams also is a squeaky-clean returned missionary. It's a little-known fact, but it's not apostasy for Mormons to be Democrats — it says so right in The Pearl of Great Price. For her part, Love, who must have been feeling a little cranky at the end of a long campaign, groused that the text was just more "deceptive tactics" by Democrats. As of this writing, the race is to close to call, but Trump already has labeled Love the loser. "Mia gave me no love and (so) she lost," he said. As our crack political analyst Mr. Chops likes to say, "When you're doomed, you're doomed."
Mohammed goes to the mountain
And finally this from our "Them-That-Has-Gets"-file: Mitt Romney is going to Washington. He's not exactly Jimmy Stewart and if he'd won the 2012 presidential campaign, he'd be retired from Washington politics. Well, times change and now the youthful 71-year-old former governor of Massachusetts will take Orrin Hatch's seat in the U.S. Senate. And if he stays as long as Hatch, Mitt will be 113 when he retires. Many Utahns, of course, remember Romney fondly for his 2016 speech when he said this about a certain presidential candidate: "Think of Donald Trump's personal qualities. The bullying, the greed, the showing off, the misogyny, the absurd third grade theatrics. You know, we have long referred to him as "The Donald." He's the only person in the entire country to whom we have added an article before his name, and it was not because he had attributes we admired."
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