Amy Roberts: All aboard the crazy train | ParkRecord.com

Amy Roberts: All aboard the crazy train

Amy Roberts, Park Record columnist

About four years ago we were watching what seemed to be a bizarre and twisted reality show — a series of seemingly never ending Republican presidential hopefuls declaring their candidacy. But unlike most reality shows, where some contestants get voted off each week, the 2012 nomination cycle was like the reverse of American Idol, where Republicans frantically searched underneath every flag pin and Bible for possible candidates, and just added a new middle-aged, Christian, gun-toting, rich white guy to the congested pool every week.

And it appears the 2016 nomination cycle isn’t going to be much different. Except this time, everyone is peeing in the pool and there’s not enough chlorine in the world to sanitize it.

It’s almost like there’s a secret questionnaire Republican hopefuls for president fill out before declaring their candidacy. In 2012, it went something like this:

  • Do you believe hurricanes are caused by gay marriage?
  • Despite overwhelming scientific evidence, do you think climate change is a hoax?
  • Have you really prayed about this and believe God wants you to be president?
  • Do you own at least 14 guns?

    But now, four years later, answering "yes" to those questions is no longer enough and they’ve had to up the crazy. The new questionnaire for the current pool of contestants seems to go something like this:

  • Do you think voting over 50 times to repeal a law the Supreme Court has upheld and the American people voted for is good use of taxpayers’ money?
  • Do you give the late-night comedians new material every time you open your mouth?
  • Do you assume all Mexicans are rapists?
  • Do you still use Aqua Net to style your hair?

    If you answered yes to these questions, congratulations, you’re fit to run for president of the United States on the Republican ticket.

    It’s unfortunate the early stages of the 2016 presidential race are proving just how weak our political system is. You don’t really have to be qualified, you just have to be absurd. Let’s review:

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    Donald Trump, who against all odds now appears to be the frontrunner for the nomination, has built his campaign on schoolyard insults. Calling people "stupid" and "idiots" and "losers" has somehow catapulted him to first place.

    In fact, Trump’s antics have been so successful that another candidate, Senator Lindsay Graham, jumped on the crazy train with him. After Trump gave out the Senator’s personal cell phone number and called him an "idiot," Mr. Graham recorded a video of himself putting his phone in a blender and lighting it on fire.

    Last week Rick Perry said in an interview that he doesn’t believe in "gun free" zones, calling them "a bad idea." So if Rick Perry is elected, you can take your concealed weapon to visit people in a psych ward or at a prison. What could possibly go wrong there?

    Jeb Bush, or as I like to call him "W-light" said knowing what he knows now, he would still have invaded Iraq and said his brother, George, would be his chief advisor in the Middle East. Even the hosts at Fox News were shocked by Jeb’s declaration that he’d still invade Iraq knowing there were no weapons of mass destruction. Conservative talk show host Laura Ingraham, replied: "You can’t still think that going into Iraq, now, as a sane human being, was the right thing to do. If you do, there’s something wrong with you."

    When you’re a Republican presidential hopeful and your last name is Bush and Fox News has trouble supporting you, you’re screwed.

    Then of course there’s Mr. Green Eggs and Ham himself, Ted Cruz, who is the only reason the rest of the world doesn’t think Utah has the #1 most embarrassing senator. Though it’s a close contest between him and Mike Lee, at least Lee didn’t accuse Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell of lying to his fellow Senators and have to be scolded by his colleagues.

    Really, I’m having so much fun watching this train wreck, I don’t even miss Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin.

    I just sit back and wonder when the crazy train is going to derail.

    Amy Roberts is a longtime Park City resident, freelance writer and the proud owner of two ill-behaved rescue dogs, Boston and Stanley.