Guest Editorial: To the gentleman who ‘traded’ his longboard for my Jeep
February 12, 2014
Let me start off by saying I understand.
I understand. Life isn’t fair. While I was nestled warm in bed in the wee hours of the morning, you were forced to roam the streets on your skateboard searching for meaning in this callous, heartless world. It’s not your fault; in a world of Socs vs. Greasers sometimes it is just hard to know where you belong.
I understand that the only thing you can do is spend your nights listening to Simple Plan while kicking and pushing your way across the cruel city searching for anything, wondering why nothing you do is ever good enough for your father (why can’t he just get you?), and then, suddenly, through tear-blurred vision, you found it.
I understand that there are few things as majestic as a slightly rusting 2004 Grand Cherokee; the salt and dirt covered glow of the white "special edition" Jeep beaming like a beacon of hope in the night. Because the streets of Provo, Ut. are hard and aren’t we all just looking for a little bit of hope?
I get it. It had to be yours. You want a new beginning. You’re tired of trying to keep your skinny jeans up, as much as they can be "up" since they are too skinny to actually fit over your butt. The struggle is real. You want to be a man, not a boy, and what the man you have become! You’re already making practical choices, picking out the most humble car on a street lined with other options. Perhaps not your best choice, but practical for sure. Your motives were clearly not driven by pride, and that, sir, I can respect.
Heck, it’s already loaded with enough crap that you have a variety of identities to pick from. It’s a "choose your own adventure!" Throw on my hiking boots and take this 4-wheeling good time down some dirty roads, set up my tent, and stay warm with my sleeping bag! Not into the outdoors? That’s understandable. A guy who is willing to steal someone else’s hard-earned stuff most likely doesn’t know how to actually survive anywhere. That and the father that hates you obviously never taught you how to set up a tent or how to even get to the woods for that matter. Make sure to take advantage of that sick Canon PowerShot you received as a bonus for choosing my Jeep to sponsor your joy ride; you will want to capture your new transformation because we both know that your life is only going to continue to go down hill from here. #memories.
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I know you’re thinking, "this chick is really understanding." And you’re right, I am. The thug life is tough. But before we wrap up, there is something I want you to understand.
Understand that you will always be a useless member of our society. I don’t mean that to be harsh; I just feel that since you know so much about me, having no doubt rifled through the belongs in my car, we can be honest with each other. You’ll never be anything more than a pathetic failure that took advantage of a twenty-something teacher. That’s right. I’m a nation builder. You’re essentially taking away from the future of our country. That is kind of a dick move.
Thanks for the skateboard.
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