Tom Clyde: Four Seasons Total Landscaping
We just witnessed one of the great moments in American history: The Four Seasons Total Landscaping press conference.
On Nov. 7, the lawyer for the soon-to-be-former president held a press conference to assert claims of voter fraud in Philadelphia. For reasons that remain as elusive as actual evidence of voter fraud, the planned event was held in the parking lot of a local landscaping company called Four Seasons Total Landscaping. It’s across the street from a crematorium and next door to a porn shop. So Rudy Giuliani set up his press conference there and a few people attended. But just before it got started, the networks finally announced that Biden had won Pennsylvania. With those electoral votes, the election was decided. So the parties began and nobody cared about Rudy.
Undaunted, Rudy pressed on, flanked by a fire extinguisher and a hose reel, with “Trump-Pence” posters stuck to the garage door of the loading dock. The initial reports were that somehow Rudy had mistaken the landscaper’s warehouse for the luxury Four Seasons hotel downtown. But various reports since insist that Rudy had intended to be at the landscaper all the time, that he chose an out-of-the-way location in a seedy neighborhood because …? Well, they claim it was on purpose, and if you can’t believe the Trump campaign, who can you believe?
The president tweeted about the press conference to gin up interest in it, saying it was at the Four Seasons hotel in Philadelphia. Being in the hotel business himself, Trump assumed his representatives would be making their kind of undignified claims in a dignified and proper setting. The hotel started getting calls about it, and they put out a tweet clarifying that the event was at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, “not affiliated with the hotel,” and urged people to go there instead.
So far, nobody is fessing up to what has to have been a huge, hilarious mistake. Whether it was Rudy himself or some staffer is something we may never know. But somebody actually set it up, in advance, at the landscaper. My favorite comment on it was a tweet from somebody who said, “Shout out to the Four Seasons Landscaping person who stone cold booked Rudy’s press conference and ran their credit card without telling them.” I hope that employee shows up on Stephen Colbert’s show one of these nights to explain what happened. The owner of the business said she was very happy to accommodate a presidential campaign. The landscaper is making the best of it. She’s selling stickers that say, “Make America Rake Again,” and “Lawn and Order,” with the Four Seasons name on them for $5 each.
In so many ways, it sums up the past four years.
The other great news story of the week comes from Yellowstone National Park, where three men have been fined and banned from the park for two years for cooking a couple of chickens in one of the hot springs. What the cluck? The trio was cited for cooking two whole, raw chickens in one of the thermal features in the Shoshone Geyser Basin. Reports differ on whether the chickens were in a pot or were cooked directly in the hot spring.
This is not something that just happens. Tourists in Yellowstone don’t stand there looking at the geyser basin and spontaneously decide that, since they already have a couple of live chickens back in the car, and a big pot, they might as well fix dinner there in the geyser pool. It took some preparation. Which pot should I use? Will the sulfur discolor stainless steel? Is the cast iron too heavy to carry that far? What seasonings will go best with all that sulfury goodness? Were there appropriate side dishes? Perhaps a nice rice pilaf. One story suggested that they were actually cooking the chickens in a burlap bag directly in the hot spring. Most say there was a pot, too. A two-step recipe perhaps?
When asked what they were up to, one of them told the park ranger, “making dinner.” Which, of course, seems perfectly obvious when they are standing around a pot of boiling chicken. Later, when asked whose idea this genius plan was, he said, “it was kind of a joint thing.” Which leads to the conclusion that parsley wasn’t the only herb involved in the meal preparation.
This all happened back in August, and they pleaded guilty in September. But for some reason, the mainstream media kept this vital information from us until just this last week. All week long, as I looked for more information on this urgent story, I just kept thinking it couldn’t get any better. But it did. One of the three master chefs is from right here in Utah. The pride of West Valley City. The only thing missing is Rudy Giuliani gnawing on a drumstick in the parking lot.
Tom Clyde practiced law in Park City for many years. He lives on a working ranch in Woodland and has been writing this column since 1986.
Correction: An earlier version of this column misstated the date on which the Four Seasons Total Landscaping press conference was held.
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