Betty Diaries: The Park City candidates you never knew you needed
With three open seats, this year’s Park City Council election race has brought out an eclectic mix of candidates vying to lead the community over the next four years. And with the primary election just passed, you’ve probably heard of the most unusually named (former) candidate David “Pickleball Traffic” Dobkin.
“Our summer, our winter, our pickleball,” muses Dobkin. Along with “our tennis and our skate parks,” these are the reasons people come to Park City in the first place, according to Dobkin.
“We don’t have to invest in a lot of infrastructure, change roads, change traffic flows, do anything like that. You just incentivize people to get out of their cars. You reduce parking spots. There are other things, you can do, as well,” said Dobkin.
Indeed. So here, in their own words, are just a few other things, pledged by some of this election’s lesser-known, but even more unusually nicknamed candidates.
Ben “Powder Bus” Blanc
Two words: 800 inches. If people think last year’s snowfall was big, just wait ’til you see what I have in store for the next four years. My platform? Huge, with sick drops. It’s made up of fluffy, white stuff and it goes all the way up to the top of the roof of the Empire Lodge and then all the way down to Mayflower. The way I see it, it’s time to get people out of their cars — and shoveling — big time. And good luck getting to the mountain before me.
Karen “I Hate Cyclists” Lane
Hey, moron. That’s not a bike lane, it’s a construction zone! What are you doing on a bike anyway? The road is for cars. And don’t whine to me about having to cross a four-lane highway. We already gave you the big neon sign, the flashing yellow lights and the painted stripes! What more do you want? Oh, you want me to stop? Thanks to you holding up traffic in that crosswalk on 248, I won’t have time to get my agave goatmilk green tea on the way to my mindfulness meditation class. If it were up to me, I would banish crosswalks and bike lanes and make you drive a Land Rover like the rest of us.
Zoe “Loud Rooftop Pool Party” LaSwiftée
I want to be a new voice for Park City. A new and very, very loud voice. My plan is to amp up collaboration and inclusion while cutting back cringe. Which is to say, everyone with a VIP pass is welcome in my party. My political base is literally all about that bass. Let’s just say I’ve got all the bikini swimfluencers in my lane.
Tate “Tater Tot Chicken Tendies Ollie Ollie” Oxynfree
OK, boomer. I know I’m like, a total newb. But I think that I, like, speak for a whole new generation when I say that I bring a Vans-on-the-ground approach to the real issues. Like skatepark day care for groms. Bigger recycling bins for your Red Bull and White Claw empties. And more rad dirt jump parks. Right on.
Hank “Leave Me The Hell Alone” Thorough
My main platform is for everyone to get the hell out of here. You think I want to hear a bunch of cackling hags on mountain bikes rattling bear bells on Armstrong? Just give me a pair of binoculars and a butterfly net and let me be.
Patina “You Call Yourself a Local” Silverqueen
My father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born at Miner’s Hospital. Me, I was born on a float in the Miner’s Day Parade. So yeah, I’m a local. If elected, I pledge to change everything back to the way it was on whatever day the majority of voters consider to be the good old one. Does anyone know what day that was?
Once upon a time, there was a town set deep inside mountains as high as the sky. Every winter, the snow would fall and it was very beautiful and white and glittery. All the tiny houses would light the night with a warm and cozy glow.
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